John invited his mother over for dinner one evening. During the meal, she couldn’t help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was.

She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious.

She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye.

Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said, “I can see your wheels turning Mom and I know what you’re thinking. Rest assured Judy and I are strictly roommates.”

A few days later, Judy went to John and said, “You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can’t seem to find it. You don’t think she would have taken it, do you?”

“I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure,” replied John.

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A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What’s are these, Dad?”

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh I see,” replied the boys pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”

The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”

“Cool!” says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”

“Those are for college men,” The dad answers, “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…”

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.

He says to him, “Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?”

The other guy says, “Well, it just happened, it was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, ‘I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh,’ I accidentally said, ‘I’d like two pickets to Tittsburgh’….so she socked me a good one.”

The first guy replied, “Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue-twister too. Iwas at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, “Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.’

But I accidentally said, ‘You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch.’

You consider McDonald’s “real food.”

You actually like doing laundry at home.

4:00 AM is still early on the weekends.

It starts getting late on the weeknights.

Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.

You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it.

You’d rather clean than study.

Half the time you don’t wake up in your own bed and it seems normal.

Computer Solitaire is more than a game, it’s a way of life.

You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps.You know the pizza boy by name.

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One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, ‘Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?’ The redneck said it was his.

‘Your dog seems to be in heat’ the officer said. The redneck replied, ‘No way. She’s cool ’cause she’s tied up under that shade tree.’

The policeman said, ‘No! You don’t understand. Your dog needs to be bred.’

‘No way,’ said the redneck. ‘That dog don’t need bread. She ain’t hungry ’cause I fed her this mornin’.

The exasperated policeman said, ‘NO! You don’t understand; your dog wants to have sex!’The redneck looked at the cop and said, ‘Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.

1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

3. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says “Gee Son.. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respond with,”Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were “protecting.”

Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job.

If he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000.

He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.

The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends someo of their hoods after the deaf collector.

The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is.

The deaf collector can’t communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.

The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, “Ask him where da money is.”

The interpreter signs, “Where’s the money?”

The deaf man replies, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The interpreter tells the hood, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. “Now ask him where the money is!”

The interpreter signs, “Where is the money?”

The deaf man replies, “The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park.”

The interpreter says to the hood, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, and doesn’t think you have the balls to pull the trigger.”

Having just returned from a long weekend in nearby Canada , I had a few Canadian dollars left over that I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at my local bank .

There was just one lady in front of me in the line. An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. She appeared to be quite irritated. She asked the teller,

“Why it change?? Yesterday, I got two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get only hunat ninety?? Why it change??”

The teller shrugged his shoulders, smiled pleasantly and said,

“Fluctuations”

The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people, too”!

0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2 - Lager warming up head. Pretzles are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.

3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzles one by one.

5 - Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense problems.

6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing ass.

7 - Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five cocktail napkins and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.

8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

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Why it’s better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies … (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we’re gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE’RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It’s possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves.

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A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

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