A man visits the doctor’s because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.

Doctor: “It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering.”

“Ddddd octttor. Whhaaat cccan I dddo?”

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem. The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.

Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches.

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says: “I dddoonnnbt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble!”

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.

2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.

3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.

4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.

5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.

6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.

7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.

8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only

9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.

10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As he climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.”

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There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence. So she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country. Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

“If I can guess the exact number of sheep here will you let me have one?” she asked. The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed. “You have 171 sheep,” said the blonde in triumph. Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice. She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked. She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, “if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?” The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. Your a blonde! Now give me back my dog.

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.”

The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn’t *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?”

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. “1,228,” he answered.

“That’s right! You may enter.”

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. “Name them.”

DON’T LOOK AT NAKED LADY
Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked
lady, I’ll turn into stone. A part of me is getting hard already!

HOW INDIA GOT ITS NAME
This is how India got its name…..
The king was having sex with his mistress while
thinking a name of his
country and his mistress ask him “is it In Dear?”…

RESEARCH FINDING
Research shows men are fatter than women because
every-night men get fresh milk & 2 papayas
women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1 tea-spoon of starch!

ARAB MAN
An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
‘Your name pls.’?
“Abdul Aziz ”
“Sex? ”
“Six times a week!! ”
“No, no, I mean male or female! ”
“Doesn’t matters, sometimes even camel !”

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It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn’t believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn’t take it any more since he hadn’t caught a thing all this time.

He went to the boy and said, “Son, I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?”

The boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.”

“What was that?” the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.”

“Look,” said the old man, “I can’t understand a word you are saying.”

So, the boy spit into his hand and said, “You have to keep the worms warm!”

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, “Hey, where’ve you been? I haven’t seen you around here much.”

The twenty answered, “I’ve been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?”

The one dollar bill said, “You know, same old stuff, church, church, church.”

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
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A boy asks his granny, “Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?”
Granny replies,”Fuk the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!”
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Little Billy asks his dad for a TV in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks,”Dad, what’s love juice?”
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says,”So what were you watchin’?”
Billy says,”Wimbledon.”
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A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband,”I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.”
He replies,”Your eyesight is perfect.”
————————————————————-
Wife gets naked & asks hubby,”What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?”
Hubby looks her up & down and replies,”Your sense of humour!”
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An elderly couple was attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, ‘I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?’ He replies, ‘Put a new battery in your hearing aid.’

A young woman in Cape Town was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young deck-hand saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, look, you’ve got a lot to live for. We’re off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on this ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day. Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, ‘I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy, OK?’ The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Maybe a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. ‘What are you doing here?’ the captain asked. ‘I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,’ she explained. ‘I get food and a trip to Europe, and he’s screwing me.’

‘He sure is, lady,’ the captain said. ‘This is the Ferry making trips between Robben Island and the Waterfront…’

A magician works on a cruise ship and entertains the audience with his show. The only problem is that the captain’s parrot has figured out all his tricks and tells them during the show. “Aaarrr, it’s in his sleeve, it’s in his sleeve, Aaarrr” “Aaarrr, it’s under his hat, it’s under his hat, Aaarrr”

One night the parrot starts again to tell trick. The magician pulls out a gun and shoots at the parrot. The parrot dodged the bullet; it hit a propane tank and blew the ship into a million pieces. The only two survivors are the magician and the parrot floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean.

The parrot looks around, looks at the magician and say: “Aaarrr, ok, you got me. Where is the ship?”

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notice.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

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Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter. The first guy says “Wow, cool lighter…where did you get it?”

“A genie from a bottle granted me one wish.”

“Great, can I try it?”

“Sure.”

First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. “You are granted one wish says the genie.”

The guy says, “I want a million bucks!”

“Done” says the genie and disappears. A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

“I can’t believe this,” says the guy who had just placed his wish, “I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!”

The second guy then says, “Do you really think I wished for a 12″ Bic?”

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, “Here’s a pill for English literature.” The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

“What else do you have?” asks the student.

“Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,” replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, “Do you have a pill for math?”

The pharmacist says, “Wait just a moment,” goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.

“I have to take that huge pill for math?” inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, “Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow.”

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign said “WHERE AM I?” in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded “I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”