A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

“Why are you eating grass?” he asked the man.

“I don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.

“Oh, please come to my house!”

“But sir, I have a wife and four children…”

“Bring them along!” the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in.”

The rich man replied, “No, you don’t understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!”

Adam was returning home late one night at paradise after drinking with the dodo and the unicorn. Eve got angry and yelled at him: “YOU ARE SEEING ANOTHER WOMAN”

Adam responded: “Don’t be silly, you are the only woman on earth” and went to sleep.

Later that night Adam woke up, feeling a tickle in his chest and saw it was Eve. “What the heck are you doing?” he asked.

“I’m counting your ribs” she responded.

Sayings That Should Be On Those Office Inspirational Posters:

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Plagiarism saves time.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK…means never having to take all the blame yourself.

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Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves.

The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle God kept.

The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle God kept.

The rabbi said, “I’ve got you both beat. I throw ALL the money into the air, and what God wants, God takes!”

# You believe your cats are people.
# You have a cat named “Princess Mitsy the 3rd.”
# You crochet them all sweaters every Christmas.
# You can’t remember how many cats you have, but you know it’s more than 5.
# Every cat has their own monogrammed food and water bowls.
# You scold the cats if they use the wrong one.
# Every cat has a color coded collar and matching bell.
# You have 47 ceramic cat statues placed strategically in your front yard rock garden.
# You buy milk wholesale, even though you’re lactose intolerant.
# You alway celebrate each cats Birthday with a tuna cake and milk shakes.
# Your living room furniture consists of 15 cat trees and 3 sheepskin covered throw pillows.
# You like to think of cleaning out the litter box as digging for buried treasure.
# Each cat has their own wardrobe.
# You no longer notice the way your house smells.
# You alway intervene when Princess Mitsy the 3rd steals Baker Boys toy. “Be a good girl Mitsy, like Miss Delilah Dutchess!”
# You always talk in a baby voice, to show them that you love them.
# There are 23 toy mice under your couch at any given moment.
# You find yourself saying “Mama’s darling” more than once a day.
# You have a king sized bed so you cats will be more comfortable.
# No one ever stops by anymore… not even salespeople.

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner “Mom & Pop” grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.  The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

“Oh, no laundry,” the boy said, “I’m going to wash my dog.”

“But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.”

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

“Oh, he died,” the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.”

“Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”

“Oh? What was it then?”

“I think it was the spin cycle!”

Mike goes to his first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked cross it.

Mike walks over to the artist and says, “I don’t understand your paintings.”

“I paint what I feel inside me,” explains the artist.

Mike says, “Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?”

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband,
crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

“What’s wrong with you?” she asked him. “Remember when your father caught us fooling around when you were 16?” he replied. “And remember, he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison.”

Baffled, she said, “yes, I remember. So?”

“Well…I would have gotten out today!”

This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever. “Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?”

“Dogs can’t talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I’ll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ass.”

“Okay,” says the guy. He turns to his dog. “Okay fella. Tell me — what is on top of your doghouse?”

“Roof!” The man turns and smiles at the bartender.

“THAT ain’t talking! Any dog can bark!”

“Okay boy. Tell me — how does sandpaper feel?”

“Ruff!”

“What the hell are you tryin’ to pull, mister?”

“Okay, okay,” says the man. “One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me — who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?”

“Ruth.”

The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.

“Geez. D’ya think I shoulda said DiMaggio?”

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn’t know what it was. Predictably, he was hit and thrown to the side of the tracks, with some internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After months in the hospital recovering, he was at his friend’s house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly heard the tea kettle whistling. He grabbed a baseball bat from the nearby closet and bashed the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushed into the kitchen, saw what had happened, and asked the desert man, “Why’d you ruin my good tea kettle?”

The desert man replied, “Man, you gotta kill these things when they’re small.”

A new jail warden was being shown through the jailhouse by the old warden. Soon, after making rounds around the rest of the jail, they get to the cafeteria. In one corner, he sees a group of elderly men laughing hysterically.

Interested, he watches them while the older warden gets his food. One of the men shouts out “63!” and the entire table bursts out laughing. The new warden is totally baffled by the behavior of them. “74!”, again a chorus of guffaws ring out.

The old warden comes back to the table where the new warden sits staring, and the new warden asks “What are those elderly men doing.”

The old warden smirks, and says, “Oh, those are the life timers. They’ve been in here so long, they just number their jokes.”

Meanwhile another one calls out “2!”. Nobody laughs.

The new warden leans over and asks, “What happened?” To this the old warden replied, “Some people just can’t tell a joke.”

Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5″7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!

**********

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, “If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends “.

**********

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress

**********

Husband asks , “Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
“Without Information Fighting Everytime”
Wife replies,” No, It means ,
“With Idiot For Ever !!!”

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A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the
first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby.

She said, Lets start with the boys first. Boys start giving their intro…

First boy: My name is John, and my hobby is to see
bubble in the bathtub.

Teacher was confused to listen but said, Interesting. Well, Ok. Infact, we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So its ok John.
Yes next.

Second boy: Myself Peter and my hobby is to see
bubble in the bathtub.

Teacher now got surprised and said, Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next.

Third boy: Im Smith and my hobby is to see bubble
in the bathtub.

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A big, burly man visited the pastor’s home and asked to see the minister’s wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

“Madam,” he said in a broken voice, “I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400.”

“How terrible!” exclaimed the preacher’s wife. “May I ask who you are?”

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. “I’m the landlord,” he sobbed.

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?”

So the first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell — but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.”

“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

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