A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud “thud”, and then he would swerve back on the road.

As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?”

The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.

“I’ll give you a lift.”

The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “thud.” Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer.”

The priest replied, “That’s OK, I got him with the door.”

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn’t having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled. “Jeeves,” she said. “Take off my dress. ”

He did this carefully.

“Jeeves,” she continued. “Take off my stockings and garter.”

He silently obeyed her.

“Jeeves,” she then said. “Remove my bra and panties. ”

As he did this, the tension continued to mount.

She then said, “Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you’re fired!”

One day Bill complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend offered, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.”

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.

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A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman’s house where they engage in passionate love making. The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, “quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!” So the man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. “Why are you naked?” he asks. “Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you.”

“Okay.” the man replies “I’ll go get ready.”

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.

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Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.

They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, “Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today.”

“What?” his father replied.

“When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, ‘Jesus, I’m coming, Jesus I’m coming.’ If it wasn’t for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!”

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

“I’ve pulled you over for speeding, Miss… Could I see your driver’s license?”

“What’s a license?” replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

“It’s usually in your wallet” replied the officer.

After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.

“Now may I see your registration?” asked the cop.

“Registration… What’s that?” asked the blonde.

“It’s usually in your glove compartment…” said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

“I’ll be back in a minute.” said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman’s license and registration.

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An old snake goes to see his Doctor.

“Doc, I need something for my eyes…can’t see well these days”. The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.

Doc says, “What’s the problem…didn’t the glasses help you?”

“The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years!”

A man in a bar saw a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he commented, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”

“My mother died in June,” he said, “and left me $10,000.”

“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.

“Then in July,” the friend continued, “my father died, leaving me $50,000.”

“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”

“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”

“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”

“Then this month,” continued the friend, “nothing!”

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: “Jesus is watching you!”

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?” “Yes”, said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: “What’s your name?”

“Clarence,” said the bird.

“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”

The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus.”

You know you’re out of college when

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven’t seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00 am is not early.
9. You have to file your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You’re not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.

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The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants — one of which would get the job. The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York. A nice young man, but a bit timid. Then he called for the second man, “Jim Johnson!” Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself. “He looks like he can take care of any situation,” thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him. He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know.

Turning to Johnson, he said, “Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself — that’s an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not  fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education.”

Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, “Where did you get your financial education?”

“Oh,” replied Jim — “Yale.”

“That’s very good … excellent. You’re hired!”

“Now that you’re working for us, what do you prefer to be called?”

Jim answered “I don’t care… Yim… or Mr. Yonson.”

A man in his 40s bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him, “What the heck am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk to his office. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while saying, “No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this case for less than $1 million. Yes. The appeals court has agreed to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument, and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I’ll meet with him next week to discuss the details.”

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while, the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.

“I’m sorry for the delay,” he said, “but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for you?”

The man replied, “I’m from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone.”

1. Oh I just couldn’t, she’s only sixteen.

2. You can’t feed that to the dog.

3. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

4. Trim the fat off that steak.

5. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.

6. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

7. Duct tape won’t fix that.

8. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

9. I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

10. Nope, no more for me. I’m drivin’.

A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.

“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man.

“I am a Torah scholar,” he replies.

“A Torah scholar. Hmm.” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she’s accustomed to?”

“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”

“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?” asks the father.

“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiancée.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, honey?”

The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”