On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

“You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me… I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Australian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?”

The Englishman replied, with a smile, “Very sporting of your Mother.”

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Thirty years have passed since the war. Three war veterans, an American, a German and an Englishman, happen to meet in a pub and they start discussing the qualities of their compatriots during the war.

“When I was a G.I., buddies, there was nothing could beat my sergeant! He got shot right in the belly. Half his guts spilled out on the ground. He picked up and carried what he could, and we took him to the field hospital where the doctor sewed him up. Two days later he was on parade!”

“I can tell you, my friendz, zere is nussing like my sergeant. He got a bullet exactly in za middle of his head. His brains spilled out all over ze ground. He pushed most of them back in, walked himself to za field infirmary where zey put a cork in his head. He was on parade za next day!”

“I say, my dear fellows, nothing beats the British, absolutely nothing. No guts, no brains, on parade every day!”

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1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3. I will get dressed before noon.
4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7. I will read a book… if I still remember how.
8. I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime… and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall.”

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, “You can’t take it with you.”

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

“Oh, that darned old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.

The ghost says: Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each”

So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. “Pfufffff and he was gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted “I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails.”Pfufffff and he was also gone.

The boss calmly said, “I want these two idiots back right now .” Pfuffff ……….:p

Lesson :- ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSSES TO SPEAK FIRST

For ever fattening Santa Clause People in the US widen their chimneys for Xmas.

Also in the United State Santa Clause wishes everyone a merry Xmas in the presence of a lawyer and still gets sued for sexual harassment.

In North Korea people celebrate Xmas by firing fireworks at South Korea.

In the Antarctic they celebrate by having snowball fights and making snowmen…just like any other holiday.

In India children tell verselets to cows.

In Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry children dance around the Xmas tree, then the Xmas tree dances around the children.

In the UK when Big Ben strikes 12 they eat 12 spoons of oatmeal and make a wish. Then they dance to Russian folk song (Berezovky and Abramovich paid for it)

In the Sarah desert people decorate sand with sand.

In the Middle Earth Trees come to town, chop down a human, take it to the forest and plant it.

On the international space station they squeeze the Xmas tree out of the tube.

In Sparta weak and ugly Santas are thrown of the cliff.

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When four of Santa’s elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says, “About 2 hours.”
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, ” How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, “About 3 hours.”
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says, “About an hour and a half.”
The guy leaves.
The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, “Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes.”
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, “Bill, where did he go when he left here?”
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, “Your house.”

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let’s face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England.
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from
Guinea nor is it a pig
If writers write, how come fingers don’t fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn’t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn’t the preacher praught.

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A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, “Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The man says back to the blind man, “Look buddy, I’m blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, “Nah, I wouldn’t want to have to explain it five times.”

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London
hotel and one of its guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters
to the London Sunday Times!

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six
unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another
three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,
S. Berman

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from
her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you
requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on
top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This
leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the
management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you
had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am
going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own
bath-size Dial so I won’t need those 6 little Camays which are on the
shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please
remove them.

S. Berman

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Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his
tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably
a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

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