March 17th, 2008
(Posted by Ryan)
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We’re over at the psychiatric hospital.
PM: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That’s right. I’m an FBI agent.
PM: You’re an FBI agent?
Agent: That’s correct. Just about everybody here is.
PM: And you’re at the psychiatric hospital?
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March 14th, 2008
(Posted by Ryan)
A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to who?” I said, “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?” After putting her on hold for a minute while I “looked into it” (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
———-
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
———-
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. “Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, “Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.” Her response … click.
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March 14th, 2008
(Posted by Ryan)
An elderly couple were having dinner at another couple’s house and after their meal, the wives left the table to go to the kitchen.
The two elderly gents were talking, and one says: “Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant .I’d highly recommend.”
The other man says: “What’s the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying: “Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?”
His friend replies: “A carnation?” “No, no. The other one,” the man says.
His friend suggest “The poppy?”
“No, no, no” growls the man.
“You know - the one that is red and has thorns.”
His friend says: “Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes! Thank you!” the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
March 12th, 2008
(Posted by Ryan)
1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.
4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream ‘MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!’
6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.
8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King..
9. ..but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they’re ‘astronaut food’.
10. Follow patrons of B. Dalton’s around while reading aloud from ‘Dianetics.’
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March 12th, 2008
(Posted by Ryan)
1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will take until your free refills cost money.
2) If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.
3) Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your neighbors that you’re a “spider person.”
4) When attending a movie you’ve already seen, yell out: “Don’t let him in! He’s the killer!”
5. When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often you should walk it.
6) When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: “I hope I fixed it this time.”
7) Beep when a large person backs up.
Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about the “little men.”
9) Insist on making inanimate objects “dance”
10) Occasionally talk into your hand in public.
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March 11th, 2008
(Posted by Ryan)
A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn’t care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.
B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C
is for Call ya later.She won’t. She never has before.
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March 11th, 2008
(Posted by Ryan)
Regis: “Barbara, you’ve done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend.
The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right … but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 — are you ready?”
Barbara: “Sure, I’ll have a go!”
Regis: “Which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest?
Is it……..
A-Robin $B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars.”
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Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of romantically telling me this is not true, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: “If you want your
Breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds every day”
Willing to try anything, I got a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
How long will this take?” I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replies.
I stopped. “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
years?”
Without missing a beat he said “Worked for your bum, didn’t it?”
March 6th, 2008
(Posted by Ryan)
1. “As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
2. “Last one off the plane must clean it.”
3. After landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. Whoa!”
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.”
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March 4th, 2008
(Posted by Ryan)
Different operating systems. Different styles. But what if the quirks and styles of the different operating systems were applied to
AIRLINES? What if airlines ran things the way operating systems do? This humorous analogy, applying operating system hilosophies as if they were airlines, is a long-standing much-circulated amusing story, and we’d credit the author if we knew who wrote it!
If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines…
UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.
Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on…
Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don’t need to know, don’t want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.
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March 4th, 2008
(Posted by Ryan)
Don’t like your job?
This list of office pranks is sure to get any one fired.
If your boss keeps you after doing any of these, WHY DO YOU WANT TO QUIT.
1. Photocopy an entire dictionary and fax it to the CFO.
2. Schedule a series of important departmental meetings and forget to show up to them.
3. (Office Prank) Send blank sheets of paper via interoffice mail. (Marked “urgent” and “confidential”, of course.) Remember to send a few to the mailroom; they’ll especially get a kick out of it.
4. Anonymously post quotes from Adolph Hitler on a company bulletin board. (Quotes about “team spirit” can be particularly inspiring.)
5. Set a mouse free in the office each day. When the problem becomes an epidemic, send snakes after them.
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