A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.

Man: So what happened that’s so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Ok, but that’s not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.

Man: So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: and then?

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A lady approaches her priest and says, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquires.

“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?’”

“That’s terrible,” the priest exclaims, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”

“Thank you!” the woman responds.

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?”

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!”

Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.

“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks a Microsoft employee. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers the Apple engineer.

They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple engineers (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.

“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asks one perplexed Microsoft employee. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an Apple engineer.

When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please…”

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water-a strong industrial solvent often works best-and lift both lids.

3. Pick up the cat and soothe him as you carry him toward the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lids (someone may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ‘power wash and rinse’ which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people or other obstacles between the toilet and the outdoors.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat, now exceedingly clean, will rocket out of the house at warp speed.

Sincerely yours, the Dog.

New Rule: Stop the pop-up ads for Classmates.com ! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you’re gay. If you’re a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you’re a grown man, they’re pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.

New Rule: There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.

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Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA, to her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!

Dear Mr. Baker:

As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my coworkers and me during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of “cut and paste” for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

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After the annual office party blow-out, Colin woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

“Louise,” he moaned, “Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she assured him, voice dripping with scorn.

“You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior management and insulted the Regional Director General to his face.”

“He’s an a**hole. I should have pissed on him.”

“You did,” Louise informed him. “And he fired you.”

“Well, screw him!” yelled Colin.

“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

“I’m sorry,” the clerk said. “This man just ordered our last bunch.” The desperate customer turned to me and begged, “May I please have those roses?”

“What happened?” I asked. “Did you forget your wedding anniversary?”

“It’s even worse than that,” he confided. “I broke my wife’s hard drive!”

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, “How long before I
can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, “About 2
hours.”

The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door
and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around at the shop and said, “About 3 hours.”

The guy left. A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and
asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around the shop and said, “About an hour and half.”

The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, “Hey, Bill, do me
a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long
he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back.”

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, “So where does that guy go when he leaves?”

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, “Your house.”

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.

2. There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.

3. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.

5. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

6. Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

7. Laughing helps. It’s like jogging on the inside.

8. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

9. If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.

10. You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1:

When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:

If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. By the way, are you through with your 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:

If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer, or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents’ house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!” The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”

The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”

Women with big breasts…

..can get a taxi on the worst days

..have a neat place to carry spare change

..have always been the centre of the arts (art)

..make jogging a spectator sport (a personal favourite of mine)

..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub

..have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)

..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie

..can always carry a little extra

..always float better

..know where to look first for lost earrings

..rarely lack for a slow dance partner

..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner

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A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. “I know,” he says, they say ‘you can’t take it with you.’ But who knows? Suppose they’re mistaken. I’d like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it’s useful, I’ll have something. They each agree to carry out his wish.

Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, “Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven’t be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend’s money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.”

At this the priest says, “I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as out friend requested.”

Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says “I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.”

1. It’s an incentive to show up.

2. It leads to more honest communications.

3. It reduces complaints about low pay.

4. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

5. It encourages car pooling.

6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care.

7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

8. It makes fellow employees look better.

9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

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