4 Videos and 2 amazing ventriloquists. Jeff Dunham and Achmed the dead terrorist followed by Walter the grumpy old man. More than just the ventriloquist act, is the amazing humor of this guy. The jokes he makes just cracsk me up!
A mid-level Blonde executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.
After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center’s director that he was an acceptable candidate.
“That’s great!” the executive said. “But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive.”
“Yes, sir, it can,” the director replied. “An ounce of accountant’s brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist’s brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president’s is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a Democrat’s brain is seventy-five thousand dollars.”
“Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat’s brain? Why on earth is that?”
“Do you have any idea,” the director asked, “how many Democrats we would have to kill to get an ounce?”
Me: “Thank you for calling [eye doctor’s office], how can I help you?”
Lady: “Hello, I want to check on the status of my glasses.”
Me: “Okay, what is your full name?”
Lady: “Lori Johnson, spelled L-O-R-I.”
Me: “Okay, hold please.”
(I check the computer for Lori Johnson and it doesn’t come up. I then check alternative spellings things like Laurie, Lory, Lauri, etc. All to no avail.)
Me: “I’m sorry Miss, would you mind giving me your date of birth?”
Lady: “12-21-1969.”
(I do a search for that date of birth and one name comes up. Lori Smith.)
Me: “Would you by chance be listed under any other name?”
How the company views its employees. (HE VS SHE)
1. The family picture is on HIS desk.
Ah, a solid, responsible family man.
The family picture is on HER desk.
Umm, her family will come before her career.
2. HIS desk is cluttered.
He’s obviously a hard worker and a busy man.
HER desk is cluttered.
She’s obviously a disorganised scatterbrain
3. HE is talking with his co-workers.
He must be discussing the latest deal
SHE is talking with her co-workers.
She must be gossiping.
Some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer:
“Do not use while sleeping.”
(Gee, but that’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos:
“You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap:
“Directions: Use like regular soap.”
(And that would be how…?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
“Serving suggestion: Defrost.”
(But it’s just a suggestion.)
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):
“Do not turn upside down.”
(A little late for that warning!)
If you have experience found a toilet when you are in the outdoor? Shit Box is a lightweight portable cardboard toilet, made specifically for outdoor use. The box pops up from a convenient 14inch flat pack to a rigid, reusable, comfortable toilet. Each box comes with ten degradable poo bags.
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud “thud”, and then he would swerve back on the road.
As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?”
The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.
“I’ll give you a lift.”
The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “thud.” Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer.”
The priest replied, “That’s OK, I got him with the door.”
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn’t having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled. “Jeeves,” she said. “Take off my dress. ”
He did this carefully.
“Jeeves,” she continued. “Take off my stockings and garter.”
He silently obeyed her.
“Jeeves,” she then said. “Remove my bra and panties. ”
As he did this, the tension continued to mount.
She then said, “Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you’re fired!”
One day Bill complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor.”
His friend offered, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.”
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.
A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman’s house where they engage in passionate love making. The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, “quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!” So the man runs into the bathroom.
Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. “Why are you naked?” he asks. “Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you.”
“Okay.” the man replies “I’ll go get ready.”
He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.
Our another funny series, made possible with the help of failblog.org Previous parts can be found here, here and here.
Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.
They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, “Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today.”
“What?” his father replied.
“When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, ‘Jesus, I’m coming, Jesus I’m coming.’ If it wasn’t for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!”
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.
“I’ve pulled you over for speeding, Miss… Could I see your driver’s license?”
“What’s a license?” replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
“It’s usually in your wallet” replied the officer.
After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
“Now may I see your registration?” asked the cop.
“Registration… What’s that?” asked the blonde.
“It’s usually in your glove compartment…” said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.
“I’ll be back in a minute.” said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman’s license and registration.
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