Two blondes are walking in the African bush when they come across a set of tracks. The first blondes proclaims, “Those are Leopard tracks”.The second replies “”Oh no they’re not. Those are Lion tracks”. “Uh uh,” says the first blonde again “those are definately Leopard tracks”,”Lion!” shouts the second blonde,”Leopard!”"Lion!”"Leopard!” They were both still arguing when they train hit them.

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

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A Rock Hudson - looked straight, but wasn’t

A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read

An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim

An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker

A Saddam Hussein - from one bunker straight into another

A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand

A Glen Miller - didn’t make it over the water

A Rodney King - over-clubbed

An O.J. Simpson - got away with it

A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver

A Princess Di - shouldn’t have taken the driver

A Fidel Castro - quite far left

A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole

A Jean-Marie LePen - a long way right

A Brazilian - Shaves both sides of the hole

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripesheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct & inspect the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

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Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of romantically telling me this is not true, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: “If you want your
Breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds every day”

Willing to try anything, I got a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

How long will this take?” I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replies.

I stopped. “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
years?”

Without missing a beat he said “Worked for your bum, didn’t it?”

Anonymous correspondence from a member of the public:

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouji board.

As I’m writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in it’s third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

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#10 Life is sexually transmitted.

#9 Good health is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.

#8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

#7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.

#6 Some people are like a slinky… not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

#5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing.

#4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents???

#2 In the 60’s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THOUGHT :

“Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.” - Ronald Reagan

One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, ‘Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?’ The redneck said it was his.

‘Your dog seems to be in heat’ the officer said. The redneck replied, ‘No way. She’s cool ’cause she’s tied up under that shade tree.’

The policeman said, ‘No! You don’t understand. Your dog needs to be bred.’

‘No way,’ said the redneck. ‘That dog don’t need bread. She ain’t hungry ’cause I fed her this mornin’.

The exasperated policeman said, ‘NO! You don’t understand; your dog wants to have sex!’The redneck looked at the cop and said, ‘Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.

Three pregnant women, a brunette, a redhead and a blonde, are all waiting in a waiting room to see their pediatricians for a check up. While they are waiting, they discuss the sex of their unborn babies.

” Mine is going to be a boy,” proclaims the brunette.

“How do you know this?” asks the blonde?

“My husband was on top when the baby was conceived,” replies the brunette.

“Mine is going to be a girl,” says the redhead in response.

“And how do you know this?” asks the blonde again.

“I was on top of my husband when the baby was conceived,” replies the redhead.

The brunette then asks the blonde “and what then do you think you’re going to have?”

The blonde then exclaims excitedly “Puppies!”

They always ask at the doctor’s office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what’s wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There’s nothing worse than a Doctor’s Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk…. The Receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?”

“There’s something wrong with my dick”, he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.”"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.The Receptionist replied; “Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.

You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.”The man replied, “You shouldn’t ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”"There’s something wrong with my ear”, he stated.The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

“And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”"I can’t piss out of it,” he replied.

Having just returned from a long weekend in nearby Canada , I had a few Canadian dollars left over that I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at my local bank .

There was just one lady in front of me in the line. An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. She appeared to be quite irritated. She asked the teller,

“Why it change?? Yesterday, I got two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get only hunat ninety?? Why it change??”

The teller shrugged his shoulders, smiled pleasantly and said,

“Fluctuations”

The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people, too”!